September 14, 2012

The Future of Apple and Us

Patrick Marren
Partner

iPhone 1, June 2007: "Widescreen iPod with touch controls;" "revolutionary mobile phone;" "breakthrough Internet communicator" (Steve Jobs). Camera included. 4-16 gB memory.

iPhone 3G, July 2008:  All the above plus assisted GPS, 3G data, push e-mail, App Store. 8-16 gB memory.

iPhone 3GS, June 2009: All of the above plus video camera, better performance, voice control, compass, 8-32 gB memory.

iPhone 4, June 2010: All of the above plus video calling, books, periodicals, music, movies and games, Retina display, gyroscope, accelerometer, 8-32 gB memory.

iPhone 4S, October 2011: All of the above plus Siri voice activation system, iCloud storage service, speech-to-text texting, 16-64 gB memory.

iPhone 5, September 2012: All of the above plus bigger 4-inch screen, lighter, thinner, faster, 4G LTE reception, Lightning dock connector, 16-64 gB memory.

iPhone 6, October 2013: All of the above plus smaller thinner faster 5G HVY reception, Thunder dock connector, Siri After Dark,16-64 gB memory.

iPhone 7, September 2014: All of the above plus invisible if turned on its side, so small often mistaken for a credit card, Siri Mind Meld takes on personality quirks of owner, 16-64 gB memory.

iPhone 7C, June 2015: All of the above plus now IS a credit card replacing all personal credit for owner, Siri replaced by younger-sounding Trophi, infrared camera picks up traces of dead people, 16-64 gB memory.

iPhone 8, October 2016: All of the above, smaller than human eye can see, spurring cranial implant option, EarWorm for iPod installed, causes 1960s song "Henry the Eighth" to play incessantly in owner's head if bill not paid, automatically apportions owner's money via iFinance into no-load mutual funds, suggests courses of action to owner in social situations via iPickup and iWasJustOutWithSomeFriends apps, 16-64 gB memory.

iPhone 9, September 2017: All of the above, but camera now uses Retinal Display of owner's eyes and FaceTime is now via realistic interaction with other similarly equipped owners in same vicinity; iPod is located in iPrefrontal Cortex of owner; Siri/Trophi now dispensed with and fully replaced by owner's own brain; iSee app helps owner deal with abandonment issues resulting from Droid-owning spouse taking off; iGrieve app injects C2H5OH directly into brainstem until the initial pain is gone; 16-64 gB memory.

iHuman 1, October 2018: All of the above, with iPlatform Reversal as implanted iPhone takes frank control and begins to use the host human as a "Wider screen iPod with touch controls, revolutionary mobile communicator, and breakthrough transportation device" to communicate and interact with other iPhones; 16-64 gB memory.

iHuman 2, September 2019: All of the above, with revolutionary Starbucks-Weight Watchers App causing host human to be "smaller, thinner, faster" for iPhone controller purposes. iHadSomeWorkDone utility allows iPhone controller to manipulate appearance of host human in order to facilitate appropriate competition and/or mating with other iHumans; 16-64gB memory.

iToldYouSo 1, October 2020: All of the above, with revolutionary iDarwin utility allowing iPhone controllers to compete via their host humans and evolve at ten billion times rate of "old school" human natural selection; iDeology app brings war, pestilence, plague and mass extinctions upon the planet for the sake of its emergent communal Borglike Jobs-Brain devoted to scouring the earth for the last few !Kung tribesmen and Mongolian throat-singers and Inuit whale-harpooners who have not had iPhones implanted into their skulls.

(16-64 gB memory.)

Comments  | 

pmarren
It is beginning... http://www.businessinsider.com/apple-is-quietly-working-to-destroy-the-iphone-2012-12

Thoughts?