December 10, 2012

SCENARIO PLANNING BULLETIN: End of World Is Upon Us

Patrick Marren
Partner

DECEMBER 10, 2012 (QLS News) Hang on to your hats and forget the Mayans: scenario-based planning may suddenly have become a much simpler game. The world is ending December 31, 2012. 

News of the impending apocalypse was revealed by analysts at the University of South Vegas Department of Calendricalosity.

"The standard calendar, which was constructed by an ancient advanced civilization - some think it was the Romans, some the Klingons - simply ends on December 31," said John Q. Serious, Time-ologist and Reuben Goldberg Professor of Complicated Phenomenons in the Program of Calendars and Stuff at the U. of S.V. 

The unknown people that developed the calendar have been dubbed "the Emeriti" by Serious. They dwelt mainly in the coastal metropolitan and inland collegiate areas of what is now the United States. They appear to have migrated south a decade or more ago, to Florida, Arizona and other warmer climes, in response to some environmental stimulus, perhaps lumbago-related.

"No one remembers who these people were or what they knew," Serious continued. "But there is no reason to think that these people did not know what they were talking about. Their logic is lost in the mists of time, as far back as the 1980s.

"But there must be a reason that their calendar cycle comes to an abrupt end at this moment. The calendar simply runs out, with only a mysterious page saying something about 'Reordering' afterwards.

"We believe this 'Reordering' denotes a cosmic reshuffling of the entire physical universe.

"These were serious people. We may find it difficult to understand the mindset of beings most of whom did not have basic cable, whose 'computers' weighed pounds and took up whole desktops. But there are those among us who believe that their civilization was actually so advanced that they were capable of simulating a mission to land on the moon in a swimming pool in Hollywood. 

"We already know they were technologically sophisticated enough to cover up the alien landings in Area 51 and outcome of the 1994 baseball season. We should treat their obvious warning about the imminent end of the world with some seriousness."

Dissident scientists at the rival program in Hour-ology at the Institute for Advanced Stuff at Huxley College scoff at the warnings by the U of S.V. 

"Who can take seriously any civilization that needed dead trees to record their predictions?" sneered Dr. Quincy A. Wagstaff of Huxley. "Why not use a divining rod or Magic 8-Ball?

"No, there is no reason to believe in any predictive mechanism that does not involve ranting cable finance 'experts' raving about the latest hot stock pick. I say we stick with this proven post-modern technology until it fails us. After all, it's not as though every one of their recommendations has been proven to be disastrous yet."

Professor Serious has a simple response: "We shall see. Given their rate of predictive failure, we should be asymptotically approaching the 100% mark a few days after Christmas. It all seems to be coming together. I don't understand the logic of the Emeriti, but I respect it."

Comments  | 

Joseph Marren
I thought the paper by Cockamamy & Marx disproved all this.

Thoughts?